Depression is a Real Monster

Sleeping in a soggy blanket of sweat last night because my air conditioner went out with thoughts of what tomorrows future would hold for me job wise consumed me less than it would have done the day before.  The reason for this?  I was tired of the smell of tears and fears that have overcome me in the past month or so.  I was depressed.  Probably still am but on another level.  Like when asking the Incredible Hulk how he controlled his anger, his response was, "I can control it, because I'm always angry."  It may not disappear completely but at least I took control before it drowned me for good.

I've seen this depression before.  When a man stole my wife I've seen it.  When I lost my brother I've seen.  When I lost my dog Hicks, I saw it.  But never like this.  I was truly out the door and I couldn't get back in. I was checking out.  Scientists believe mood related chemicals such as serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine are low in the brain during major depressive episodes.  I am not one to take medication so that was out of the question.  No, I had to do this on my own.  I cut myself off from friends and family and they respected my wishes.  Their kind words and support was my medication.  Also the awareness of being stuck repeating the same day over and over opened my eyes.  A very tiny slither of light showed up last night.  I don't know what it was but I took it.  Like eating hamburgers daily then remembering I could order a pizza when I completely forgot I could.  It was hell.

My mother and father suffer from depression so it kinda runs in the family.  As I've said before I have seen it in the past.  Sometimes I would break out in tears for the pain I felt spreading across the entire planet.  I feel for everyone.  I try to help others.  Sending positive energy and information to the masses.  This all stemmed from just wanting a better world to live in.  Well it got me.  I was giving up.  I didn't have anymore to give.  It seemed I didn't even put as much as a dent in the human race from all the work I've done.  I broke.  And I was going to end it.  I was fine with it.  So how was I going to end it?  Well I wanted to make sure my dog Milo had a good home.  Wanted to make sure that I didn't make too much of a mess when I chose the location of my demise.  Shotgun blast to the face and into the water.  That seemed okay.  When Robin Williams passed, his way of going out didn't seem like a bad way to go so I considered that.  

What changed my mind?  Honestly I was tired of it.  I remembered the strength that I had before.  The talks that I had with family and friends opened up my mind when I was sure that whatever they said was something I already knew.  Seek help they said.  Anyone I talked to I knew it wouldn't matter.  Somewhere in the mix of all of it I saw that slither of light.  Maybe it was also the prayers being sent to me through energy and in my search for answers, somehow it seeped through the cracks and entered my unconscious mind.  

In any case it worked.  Even on the verge of losing my job today and possibly losing my place to live that I've been at for over 20 years and being single for so long, I say bring it.  If the time comes that I must end my life I'm going out doing everything I can to progress my life.  One last hoorah if you will.  I'm not going without a fight.  I'm Brian Treybig dammit.  I deserve happiness.  I deserve to have the right woman in my life.  Why?  Because why not?  I'm a good person.  I care.  I'm aware.  And I must fight for those who can't do it themselves.  It's not a perfect world but there is so much room for compromise and respect.  I was tired of dealing with it all, but now you better start dealing with me.  This is my home.  This is my planet and I will not sit by while you dumb us down and destroy us completely.  No no no.  Watch out people.  Brian Treybig is back.  

One last thing.  Even if you don't want to talk to anyone about your depression, just know that you're not alone.  Just remember, it could be a few words that can destroy that silent killer with a vengeance.  Much love and here's to new beginnings.